A new baby brings joy but also challenges to a family. You're excited, but you may also be nervous about how your older children will react to the newborn. Several questions arise: How should we tell our older children that they are going to have a brother or sister? Will they be jealous of the new baby? How can we help them get along? Children of different ages will react differently to a new baby. Knowing what to expect from each age group will make it easier to handle changes in your family.
Infants – Ages 1 to 2 years
Children this age will not understand much about what it means to have a new brother or sister. However, let your child hear you talk about the "new baby" and feel your excitement. He may not understand why you are excited, but your attitude will help him feel the excitement too. Keep in mind that you may not be able to meet the needs of both children all the time—especially not on your own. Seek support from your partner, other relatives and friends. Look at picture books for a new baby. At the very least, your child will become familiar with words like "sister," "brother," and "new baby." When the new baby arrives, try to do something special for your older child. Make sure you still love it. Some ideas include giving him a special gift, letting him spend some alone time with dad, grandma or another special adult, or in a special place.
Preschoolers – Ages 2 to 4 years
At this age, your child is still very attached to you and does not yet understand how to share you with others. Your child may also be very sensitive to change and may feel threatened by the idea of a new family member. Here are some suggestions that may help your child become a big brother or big sister.
- Wait a while before telling your child about the baby. Explain this to your child when you start shopping for furniture or baby clothes, or if they start asking about mom's growing belly. Picture books for preschoolers can be very helpful. Try to tell your child before they hear about the new baby from someone else.
- Be honest. Explain that the baby will be cute and small, but it will cry and require a lot of time and attention. Also, make sure your older child knows that it may be a while before they can play with the new baby. Reassure your child that you will love them just as much after the baby is born as you do now.
- Get your child involved in planning for the baby. This will reduce the feeling of jealousy. Let it shop with you for baby items. Show him his own baby pictures. If you are going to use some of baby's old things, let him play with them a bit before you prepare them for the new baby. Buy your child (boy or girl) a doll so he can take care of his "baby".
- Schedule major changes in your child's routine. If you can, complete toilet training or change from a crib to a bed before the baby arrives. If this is not possible, postpone them until the baby is settled at home. Otherwise, your child may feel overwhelmed trying to learn new things on top of all the changes the new baby brings.
- Wait for your child to subside a little. For example, your toilet trained child may suddenly start having "accidents" or may want to take a bottle. This is normal and is your older child's way of making sure they still have your love and attention. Instead of telling him to act his age, let him get the attention he needs. Praise him when he acts more grown up.
- Prepare your child for when you are in the hospital. He may get confused when you leave for the hospital. Explain that you will be back with the new baby in a few days.
- Make special time for your older child. Read, play games, listen to music or just talk together. Show him that you love him and want to do things with him. Also, make him feel part of things by having him cuddle up next to you when you feed the baby.
- Ask family and friends to spend some time with your older child when they come to see the new baby. This will help him feel special and not be left out of all the excitement. They may also give him a small gift when they bring gifts for the baby.
- Get your older child to spend time with dad. A new baby provides a great opportunity for dads to spend time alone with older children.
School children – 5 years and older
Children over the age of 5 are usually not as threatened by a new baby as younger children. However, they may resent the attention the new baby receives. To prepare your school-age child for a new baby,
- Tell your child what is happening in language they can understand. Explain what having a new baby means and what changes may affect it.
- Ask your older child to help prepare things for the new baby by setting up the baby's room, picking out clothes or buying diapers.
- If possible, have your older child come to the hospital right after the baby is born, so they feel part of the growing family.
- When you bring the new baby home, make your older child feel like they have a role to play in caring for the baby. Explain to him that he can keep the baby, although he has to ask you first. Praise him when he is gentle and affectionate with the baby.
- Don't overlook your older child's needs and activities. Let him know how much you love him. Try to spend some time alone with him every day.
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